


Hello My Old Heart

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [9]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Karen and Chris are kind of brief - heads up cause I KNOW how many of you love Karen, M/M, Marisol plays a big part in this too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24455101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Eddie needs to check his parents have left - and either way, there's a lot he needs to work through about their visit.Good thing he has family, friends, and Buck to help him figure it all out.And maybe, it's time for him to start showing his hand more, with them all.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 108
Kudos: 722





	Hello My Old Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for being patient while waiting (mostly - I see your tumblr posts, and know I didn't feel pressured but they made me grin and feel very warm and smiley, which was needed this past week honestly. They made me remember people ARE excited to read this, and they have been enjoying it, and I do like posting things. Like I said - it's been a rough week.). 
> 
> I'm not kidding when I said I backtracked whole paragraphs and even pages of this fic and rewrote them like four times. It got to the point where I honestly couldn't tell anymore if it was as good as I was thinking or as bad as I was thinking, because I myself kept changing my mind every few hours. 
> 
> So, you can all thank [tarialdarion](/users/tarialdarion/) again, because I finally had to ask her to give it a look and let me know if it was off or not. She gave it the a-okay.... So then I had to figure out a title.
> 
> And we all know how I am about those titles. 
> 
> But here I am! Finally found inspiration about twenty minutes ago. Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos. It had a good like - mood, I felt, for this chapter and Eddie. So what if it's 5:40am and I haven't slept in almost 24 hours at this point. I don't feel tired. I'm fine. 
> 
> Have your update. Please enjoy.

Eddie had Karen drive him over to his house early on Sunday morning, leaving Chris behind with Hen to watch the kids before their shift later.

He knew he was verging on freaking the hell out, even as he worked to keep his breaths measured and slow. His heart was racing, his hands shook, and he had his jaw clenched so tight his teeth hurt. He couldn’t bring himself to look up from the dashboard when they came to a stop.

“Eddie,” Karen said quietly, setting a hand over one of his. “I think it’s okay.”

He looked up, first at her – she looked serious, but nodded with a small smile – and then over to his house. His truck was in the driveway. Nothing else. It looked as normal as it always had, a cheerful yellow Chris had loved right away and browning grass from the summer’s heat, nothing frightening at all.

With a deep breath, Eddie unbuckled and opened the door, stepping out of the car. Karen followed behind him, but he didn’t spare that too much attention. His heart was racing up in his throat as he walked up to his door and used his key.

The door swung open to a silent house.

He walked further in, glancing around as if his parents were going to jump out of hiding or something. There was mail piled on the kitchen counter. There was a pile of dishes in his sink. The door to his room was open when he knew he’d shut it before. He couldn’t remember if Buck had shut Chris’. The bed in the guest room wasn’t made.

But there was no one in the house. No angry notes anywhere Eddie could see, and he hadn’t put it past his mother to leave a long letter to get out everything he hadn’t let her finish saying that Sunday night.

Eddie let out a breath, legs suddenly unsteady. He leaned against the wall, pressing his forehead against it. His eyes burned with sudden tears; it was stupid that it was right now, this moment of reassurance and relief that made him want to crumble to the floor and sob, but hell if that wasn’t what was happening.

Karen’s hand settled lightly on his back. “You’re good, Eddie,” she said quietly. “You and Chris are just fine. It’s over.”

Was it though? Was it really?

Or was it just… postponed.

Would it ever actually be fully over?

He swallowed, blinking and glancing upwards until the threat of tears lessened. He nodded, straightening and giving Karen a wan smile.

She patted his shoulder. “You good here?”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Thanks for watching Chris for the day. I’ll come get him tonight.”

“Any time.” She waved him off. “You just do whatever you feel you need to here and get ready for work.”

“Thanks,” he said again, walking her to the door. She waved once more before she got into her car.

Eddie closed the door and slumped against it.

He glanced around the house from the floor. It looked pretty much almost exactly how he’d last seen it. If his parents hadn’t been there for almost a week unsupervised, nothing would have been worrying.

But they had, and he was. He hadn’t wanted to show it much with Karen there, but he was still worried.

Because they’d gone through his things. Fuck, for all he knew they’d opened and gone through his mail. They could have taken things – family things he’d been given by aunts in Texas, by his grandparents on his mom’s side. He didn’t know what they’d done when he wasn’t there, when Chris wasn’t there to put on a performance for.

It made him want to leave again. Stay somewhere else.

It didn’t feel _safe_ even though with them gone it was.

There was nothing he could really do about it though. It had happened, and he was pretty sure it had been the better choice to keep away from his parents after family dinner. There was no changing things that had already happened, and Frank was always telling Eddie to stop obsessing over his past choices and focus on his present and future ones.

Eddie couldn’t do anything from the floor.

So, after another minute or two, he picked himself up and went to start erasing the last traces of his parents’ stay from the house in the few hours he had before he needed to head to the station.

“Hey,” Buck said, sidling up to him in the locker room. Eddie glanced at him and then back to his locker again. Buck was doing that – thing, where he tilted his head and leaned in and looked up, and it made him look soft and approachable and….

Distracting.

“I wanted to ask….”

“They left,” Eddie said. Even though it was just the two of them in the locker room, he kept his voice hushed. Not just because anyone could walk in at any moment.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Buck’s shoulders slump, relax. “Good.” His fingers touched Eddie’s elbow, light, careful. “And everything… is okay? They didn’t mess with any of your stuff?”

Not that Eddie had been able to tell, at least. Besides the fact that his bedroom door was open and he knew he’d closed it, there hadn’t been any sign they’d done more than stay and eat there.

He shrugged.

“And you?” Buck asked – pressed, because of course he was, when Eddie wanted nothing more than to pretend the last week had basically never happened. “How are you doing really, Eddie?”

“I’m fine.” He shut his locker, closing his eyes in an almost wince when it was louder than he’d meant. “I’m fine,” he repeated, facing Buck.

Which was – a mistake. Because Buck was still leaning in, close, and watching Eddie with that soft, focused look that meant he was putting every bit of his attention onto the person in front of him. He was close – and the last time Buck had been so close, he’d kissed Eddie.

Eddie still hadn’t been able to remember a time in his life someone had kissed him the way Buck had. It wasn’t like Eddie hadn’t been given loving and careful kisses before. It was just… something about the way Buck did it made Eddie feel… special.

Which sounded so ridiculous and sappy Eddie hated that it was what he kept rounding back to.

Buck smiled, that little half one that didn’t reach his eyes. “I wish you’d stop lying to me,” was all he said. The smile twitched a bit, before Buck shifted away and left Eddie in the locker room.

Eddie was exhausted when he brought Chris home finally. Nothing had gone drastically wrong at work – they hadn’t lost anyone, Buck hadn’t seemed mad at him or anything – but by the end of it all Eddie had wanted was to get his son and curl up with him on the couch.

So that’s what they did. He didn’t even make Chris unpack his bag first. They ordered a pizza, picked out a movie, and settled on the couch.

It was probably a sign of how much the change to his routine the past two weeks had unsettled Chris, as much as everything had upset Eddie, that Chris didn’t even bring up how it was Sunday and they should be having dinner at Abuela’s. Chris didn’t ask about Eddie’s parents – not that he had since last Sunday night. Eddie wasn’t sure how much, if anything, Chris had heard of that last fight. He wasn’t sure if Chris hadn’t asked someone else – Buck, most likely if he had – about what had happened. Probably, at some point, Eddie would need to sit Chris down and talk to him about the past two weeks.

Not yet, though. Not while it was so – fresh. Raw. Eddie needed to process it more first.

Chris convinced Eddie that they should watch a second movie. Not that it took much convincing, really. Eddie would have worried more about bedtime and school nights if Chris hadn’t fallen asleep not even a half hour in, snuffling against Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie carefully picked him up, carried him to his room and tucked him into bed. For a moment, Eddie just sat at the side of his bed, stroking Chris’ hair.

There was no one to see it if he lost his cool for a bit. If he let himself think about how close things had possibly gotten. How fucking _terrified_ he’d been for two weeks, just waiting and waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to come home one day to an empty house, his parents having taken Chris from under his nose. For someone to show up at his door, at Buck’s door, at Karen’s door, and take Chris because his parents had decided they wanted to try to take Chris officially from Eddie and had told about all the ways Eddie failed as a father.

Eddie had almost lost Chris, again and again. He’d almost lost him because of his own choices, staying away overseas; Eddie’d almost died, had gotten close enough he’d really believed he’d never see Chris and get to know him better. He’d almost had his parents take Chris away because they believed he wasn’t a good enough dad. He’d almost lost Chris to a fucking natural disaster, had even spent several seconds thinking he _had_.

Any moment the last two weeks, it could have happened again. Eddie’d just been waiting for it. But… it hadn’t. His parents had left. He’d kept Chris safe. His son was still with him, with the family they’d built around them, by blood and by choice.

Eddie heard the door open.

For a moment, his heart jumped into his throat. Irrationally, he thought it was his parents, back to say they’d changed their minds, they’d be taking Chris with them, one way or another.

Eddie reminded himself that it was beyond unlikely it was his parents as he carefully got up and slipped out of Chris’ room. His parents had left and wouldn’t be back so quickly. He’d locked the door, too, he knew he had, so it had to be someone with a key. Which meant….

Buck was in his kitchen, placing Tupperware into the fridge.

Eddie’s hands shook. He braced himself against the doorway, forcing himself to take deep, slow breaths, to calm down. It was just been Buck. Of course it was Buck. That – that made sense. Unlike the panicked idea that it was somehow his parents.

Buck turned around, straightening quickly as soon as he caught sight of Eddie and stepping quickly across the kitchen. His hands clasped Eddie up high, near his shoulders, and he bent down to look at him more closely.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? Eddie?”

He shook his head. Fuck, he must look a mess. Shaking and he’d been crying in Chris’ room earlier, and –

“Fine,” he croaked.

“What did I fucking say earlier?” Buck grumbled, practically bullying Eddie down the hall and into his room. Eddie’s stomach swooped unpleasantly. His parents had been in his room. He didn’t know what they’d done, or touched, or – anything. He hated it, the way it made him feel….

He pushed back against Buck’s hands, shaking his head, jaw tight. He’d been going to sleep on the couch. It was dumb and irrational and he _knew_ it, but fuck if he hadn’t been planning to do it anyway. Buck let go, but only to turn Eddie around and pull him in close.

“Hey,” he said quietly. His head was ducked down, almost into Eddie’s neck. “Let me help. How can I help, Eddie?”

He wanted to tell Buck he was fine, again. He wanted to say he didn’t need help. He –

Eddie closed his eyes, taking a deep breath that hitched at the end, painfully obvious. He pressed his head down, against Buck’s shoulder.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I – I don’t know how to make it better.”

Because it wasn’t just that his parents had invaded his space or fear of losing Chris for two straight weeks – though those things were part of it, a big part. It was the _pain_ , too, the undeniable knowledge that his parents – that they didn’t –

“Okay,” Buck murmured. His hand stroked up and down Eddie’s back. “Well, start by telling me what’s going on.”

He barked a harsh laugh that sounded a lot like something else. “They didn’t take Chris, but they could have. They could have and I wouldn’t have been able to do anything.”

“You would have fought them to get him back. And all of us – the team, Athena, Karen, Carla, Maddie – we all would have helped you.”

He couldn’t make himself say the words, say how scared he’d been, or how hurt he was. Not right then.

“They were in my room.”

Buck hissed a sympathetic sound. “Assholes.”

That did make Eddie laugh, short and surprised. “Yeah,” he agreed, slumping his weight against Buck. He knew Buck could and would take it. “Makes me feel – creeped out.”

“They invaded your space,” Buck said in a soft, reasonable voice after a few moments. “You – it’s like a violation of privacy.”

Violation – that was a harsh word for it, but not an entirely inaccurate one, Eddie thought. Knowing his parents had been in his room, could have touched his things or done anything and he wouldn’t know – it made him feel… vulnerable.

It made his room feel unsafe.

Which was maybe kind of dumb, but Eddie couldn’t shake that feeling.

They stood there, Buck holding Eddie comfortably and Eddie slowly breathing more steadily, more easily, and feeling the tension in his entire body drop bit by bit.

“I was gonna sleep on the couch,” he admitted.

Buck shifted back to eye him skeptically. “Really.”

Eddie shrugged, avoiding Buck’s stare. He’d at least _considered_ sleeping on the couch. He didn’t think he’d actually be able to, because his couch was comfortable enough for sitting but not for sleeping on when you were taller than the average twelve-year-old. He probably would have tried to sleep in his room, not been able to, and decided to do something ridiculous like clean the entire kitchen.

“Eddie.”

“It’s fine,” he said, an automatic response to the worry he could hear in Buck’s voice, the way he practically sighed Eddie’s name.

“What if you, I don’t know, change the sheets and-“

“Did that.” One of the first things he’d done. The guest room still needed to be washed, but he’d stripped the bed and the sheets and blankets were all waiting in the washroom for his day off tomorrow. He’d also washed Chris’ sheets with his own, and redone both beds before he went to work that morning.

He should go through all the cupboards in the kitchen, clean out the fridge – his mom had been insisting on doing his grocery shopping and probably half of it was stuff Chris and Eddie didn’t even like or want. He needed to do that soon.

“Okay,” Buck said, head tilting. “What’ll make you feel less creeped out then?”

“If I knew, I’d have done it,” Eddie said, trying to joke but there was too much of an edge in his voice. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He didn’t want to start a fight, didn’t want to make Buck feel like Eddie was mad with him. He’d made that kind of mistake before; he couldn’t risk doing it again, not now.

“Look,” he said, before Buck could say anything or comment on that. “I just – it’s stupid, but I keep feeling like they’re gonna show up again and say they changed their minds, and I won’t be prepared, and-“

“Would it help if I stayed?”

Eddie almost swallowed his tongue. “What?”

Buck’s brows furrowed, and he looked so serious. “Would it help if I stayed here for the night? So you’re not alone. I mean, I don’t know if they’d actually show up again-“

“Probably not, I’m just being paranoid, you don’t have to-“

“Eddie,” Buck said, cutting him off. “Would it help you feel better if I stayed?”

His throat felt swollen shut, so he shrugged helplessly. Yes, it would help – he felt more… grounded, with Buck there, like everything wasn’t so heavy and pressing and immediate. But at the same time… Eddie was tired of feeling like he was being watched and judged lately. Of breaking down in front of people – in front of _Buck_. How many times had it happened in the last several months? More than Eddie had ever let someone see before. The thought of it made him feel uncomfortable, tense.

Buck sighed, and Eddie felt a sudden surge of something close to fear. Buck’s sigh sounded tired, and Eddie’d heard that sigh plenty before. During arguments with Shannon, with his parents. When he’d first moved here and begged Pepa to watch Chris ‘just a few more hours please’ because he needed to run errands and it would be faster to do it on his way home from training.

Even if it didn’t sound annoyed, Eddie was almost sure that it was a sign that Buck was _getting_ annoyed.

“Look,” Buck started, his voice almost heavy.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said quickly.

Buck paused, frowning. “Hey, no, what-“

“I don’t – I’m not –“

“Eddie, breathe, alright?”

“I am!” he snapped, stepping back out of Buck’s reach. “I’m fine, I –“ He shook his head. “I don’t need you to worry about me, it’s fine, you don’t-“

“Eddie!” Buck snapped, definitely impatient now, stepping forward and grabbing Eddie tightly by the shoulders. “Just shut up for five seconds, alright?” Buck paused a moment, eyeing him sharply, before continuing, “I don’t _– mind_ if you want me to leave, but I also don’t mind if you want me to stay here with you. I just want to _help_ , however that is.

“Just… tell me what you want from me, please. I can’t keep just guessing and hoping for it works. Just tell me. Not what you _think_ you should ask or want, but what you really, _actually_ want.”

“I don’t – I don’t know,” Eddie stammered.

Buck sighed, dragging a hand over his hair and turning partly away. Eddie’s heart was racing, _hammering_ , with something that felt a lot like real panic. He was fucking it up, he was fucking it all up before he’d even got a chance to really enjoy or think much about what was happening between them, and-

“Don’t go,” he said, thoughtless. His voice sounded strangled.

“I’m not-“ Buck glanced back and cut off, sighing. He walked over and slowly reached out, tugging Eddie closer even as he tilted his head to catch Eddie’s eyes. “I don’t want to push too hard, Eddie,” he said quietly. “For more than you’re ready to give.”

Eddie shook his head. His mouth felt glued shut, which was probably good because he was thinking things like how he was pretty sure Buck couldn’t push too hard, that he needed Buck’s pushing because Eddie was terrified of asking for too much himself, needing too much. He couldn’t imagine Buck pushing for more than Eddie wanted, because… well, because Eddie _wanted_. He just… struggled with it.

“You gotta meet me halfway,” Buck said, almost in a whisper. “I need you to – to try, okay?”

He felt on the edge of breaking down again. It was frustrating, and he _hated_ it, he hated feeling so weak and fragile and how it always was happening around Buck. He hated how he could never find the fucking right words when he needed them. He hated how mixed up everything felt, his thoughts and emotions just a jumbled knot that Eddie couldn’t begin to hope to untangle.

Eddie closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing into something that wasn’t fast and messy.

He wanted space, a chance to pull himself back together to what he’d been before his parents showed up. Maybe not perfectly steady, but not full of so many fissures and cracks that he was breaking apart every five minutes.

Eddie wanted to feel _safe_ for the first time in two weeks.

He curled his fingers around the hem of Buck’s shirt. It didn’t take more than a light tug for Buck to step closer, so Eddie could drop his head down to Buck’s shoulder. Buck’s arms curled around him.

“I’m tired of being such a mess,” Eddie mumbled. “You’re always….”

“Eddie, you’ve been there when I was an absolute wreck. You thought any less of me for it?”

He shook his head.

“So why do you think I’m gonna think less of you? You’ve had a tough two weeks.”

“You’ve been helping piece me together longer than that.”

“It’s not a competition,” Buck said, sounding almost amused. “There’s not some kind of limit, either.”

But there was, Eddie thought. There was always a limit for how much he was allowed to fall apart before it was too much. He really didn’t want to find that limit with Buck.

Buck sighed again, quiet but still almost tired sounding. Eddie’s fingers tightened instinctively.

“Would you feel better if I stayed?” he asked, no indication what he wanted Eddie to say either way.

Eddie was frankly beyond worried about saying the wrong thing, asking for too much or even too little. But Buck was all but begging for Eddie to be honest, so he managed to say, “Yeah.”

“Alright. Couch?”

Eddie grimaced, but didn’t pick his head up from Buck’s shoulder. “Me or you?”

Buck huffed a laugh, nose bumping into Eddie’s temple. “Me, dumbass.”

“No,” he said, and it came out almost more like a question. Stupid.

“Alright. I can sleep on the floor-“

“Now who’s a dumbass,” Eddie grumbled, pulling back finally and scowling at Buck. Who was smiling a bit, looking amused of all things, if also a little tired.

“Alright. Bed,” he ordered, nudging Eddie in that direction. “I’ve got a shift tomorrow, I need to get to sleep.”

“You picked one up?” Eddie asked, shooting a confused look across the bed at Buck.

“Owed Geonini a favor.” Buck shrugged.

Eddie nodded, frowning a bit. He didn’t like Buck working a shift without him to watch his back. It happened, sometimes, but Eddie didn’t like it. He couldn’t help worrying, even though it wasn’t like the others on shift with him were in any way incompetent or untrustworthy. It was just – Buck was reckless, sometimes, and Eddie preferred being there to watch his back.

Eddie climbed into the bed, while Buck shucked off his jeans on the other side. Eddie watched him, wondering how early he had to leave. Would he be around while Eddie got Chris ready for school in the morning? Chris would love it – would be outraged too, probably, that Buck had shown up after he’d been put to bed. Buck would likely insist on making breakfast, like he usually did when he stayed the night, or Chris would insist and Buck wouldn’t say no.

“You good?” Buck asked, settling in under the blankets, facing Eddie.

He started to shrug but caught himself. “I… yeah.”

Buck just watched him for a moment. Eddie couldn’t quite make out his expression.

“You can ask,” Buck whispered suddenly. “I promise, Eddie, I’m not gonna judge you for asking. Not for anything you need.”

He swallowed. “Can…?” The words failed, so Eddie shifted across the mattress, grabbing Buck’s arm and tugging him closer. He turned on his side, pulling Buck’s arm over him. His face felt hot and he was burning with embarrassment – but Buck just shifted them to be more comfortable, his hand settling wide over Eddie’s chest, face tucking down near Eddie’s neck.

Buck made a pleased little noise – sleepy and content.

The tension bled right back out of Eddie’s muscles.

It still wasn’t great – Eddie couldn’t quite make himself forget that his parents had been snooping around, or that he and Buck still had yet to actually talk about the thing between them, and that Eddie might have very nearly broken it tonight while it was still fragile and new because he was failing to deal with his shit like a rational adult. But it was easier to relax, to let that all go for a bit, with Buck wrapped around him and breathing deep and even in sleep already.

“You look rough,” Marisol remarked as Eddie sat across from her.

He rolled his eyes. “Thanks.”

“Hey, just calling it like I see it.” Her lips pressed a little thin. “Honestly I expected you to look worse.”

“Really not helping your case here,” he told her, glancing up from the menu. “Did you ask to meet for lunch just to insult me?”

“No.” She twisted the ceramic cup of coffee in her hands around a bit. “I wanted to see how you were doing. You didn’t show up to dinner last night – I wasn’t even sure you’d agree to lunch today.”

“Just was tired last night, that’s all,” Eddie muttered, looking back at the menu.

“Abuela said you’ve never missed a family dinner before unless you were already working. We were all… worried, is all. Then Buck showed up and he clearly hadn’t known you weren’t going to come-“

“Despite popular belief, we’re not in fact telepathically linked,” he said wryly, casting her a quick glance.

“Sure,” Marisol agreed easily. “But he’d just spent the day at work with you and hadn’t expected you not to show up. So.”

“I had to get Chris from a friend’s place, and it’d been a… long week.”

“Vic wanted to call the cops on them.”

Eddie rolled his eyes.

“He and Buck talked about it, actually. You didn’t tell us you’ve got an in with the police.”

“I don’t have an _in_.” Eddie scoffed. “I just know someone on the force.”

“She’s your captain’s wife.”

“Yeah, and sometimes we have parties with the team and their families, and sometimes she comes by the station, but we’re not _close_.”

Marisol tilted her head. “But is Buck-“

The waitress came up asking if they were ready to order, interrupting Marisol. They both did, waiting as she walked further away before focusing on each other again.

Marisol leaned across the table a bit. “Is Buck close with them?”

“Bobby and Athena?” Eddie shrugged. “I guess. Sometimes he’ll call Bobby Pops, and I swear Chim’s trying to make him slip up and call Bobby ‘Dad’ in regular conversation.”

“So, if _Buck_ asked Sgt. Grant to come by the house…”

“I told him I didn’t want to escalate things,” Eddie said firmly.

“But he wanted to.” Marisol leaned back, smug for some reason. “I think it would have been worth the looks on their faces, being told to get out of your house.”

Eddie shook his head. He could imagine the looks on their faces – pure anger. “They left when they said they would. It’s done and over with now.” Maybe if he said it firmly enough, often enough, everyone would drop it, too.

“Eddie,” Marisol said softly after a moment. “I didn’t know things were that… tense, between you all. If I had, I would have… I don’t know. Tried to help, maybe. Distract them. They could have stayed at our-“

“They didn’t want to stay anywhere else.” Eddie sighed. “And they weren’t going to be distracted.” He shrugged, adding, “It is what it is.”

“Do you think they’ll come back again?” she asked slowly.

Eddie glanced at her. Marisol sounded almost uncertain, and young in a way that reminded Eddie she was even younger than Buck by a couple years. Marisol had grown up in LA, which was a whole different world than Texas just in general. He didn’t really know what her upbringing had been like, compared to his.

But it had been different, he was sure.

“Maybe,” he said after a while. “If they think they’ll have a chance of convincing me to come back to Texas or whatever.”

“Abuela told them off pretty soundly. Told them not to come around bothering you like that again, or she’d make them regret it.” Her lips quirked into a smile. “Said they didn’t deserve you.”

Eddie cleared his throat, glancing away. Marisol reached across the table, covering one of his hands and squeezing.

“They don’t, you know. I may not know everything about what was going on between you three, but if some of what I heard they said… well.” She shook her head. “You deserve better than that.”

Eddie tugged his hand away, clearing his throat again. “I don’t need a pep talk. It’s fine.”

Marisol heaved a sigh, rolling her eyes and muttering about men and stubbornness. “Fine. I just – I wanted to make sure you knew. That you do have family in your corner, Eddie. And we’re more than willing to stand with you, against anyone you need us to, over anything.” She paused a moment, a sly smirk working over her face that had Eddie narrowing his eyes suspiciously. “Especially if it’s over Buck. I’m pretty sure he’s giving Yvette a run for her money as favorite.”

He laughed, sharp and unexpected. “I can’t decide if they’d get along great, or end up in some kind of crazy competition trying to one up the other.”

“Oh, it’ll be both. Friendly competition,” Marisol said, grinning. “They’ll end up teaming up against us all at some point, and then we’ll really be doomed.”

Eddie shook his head, grinning. “I’ll have to see if Buck can come by around the holidays.”

Marisol gave him a disbelieving look.

“What?”

“See if he can come by? Seriously?”

“He’s got a sister, other friends, and-“

“Eddie.” Marisol shook her head. “You really think you’re going to get away with not bringing your boyfriend around for Christmas?”

He felt himself flush a bit, ears going hot. He opened his mouth, then shut it, not sure what he was going to say.

“I’m pretty sure Abuela and Tia Pepa are already going to make him come by early to help with the cooking. Which I think is unfair – I only messed up dessert once, and it was a new oven!” She shook her head, petulant looking. “It’s not like I’m as bad as _you_ are.”

“Hey,” he protested, mostly on automatic. He’d known a lot of the family thought they were dating. He hadn’t really ever figured out what to do about it, because protesting had felt like lying, but… “You know we’re not dating, right?” he asked, frowning.

“Hm?” Marisol asked, pausing in her rant – something about how she’d not been told glass pans cooked differently from metal ones.

“Buck and I. We’re not dating.”

Marisol stared at him. She blinked, brows slowly rising. “You’re… you’re joking, right?”

“No.”

“But –“ She stopped, frowning suddenly. “Eddie, what the hell?”

He opened his mouth, not sure what he was going to say, just feeling defensive.

“What are you waiting for?” she asked before he had a chance to even say anything, leaning over to slap his arm. “Oh my _god_ , I thought Yareli was talking shit. Now I owe her fifty bucks _and_ a night of babysitting for free, you idiot!”

“How is this my fault?” he said, leaning away and rubbing slightly at his arm. Marisol hit _hard_.

“How is it not your fault?” she argued. “You have someone like Buck looking at you like _that_ , you bring him around for _family dinner_ all the time, you almost start a family fight at Tia’s party over him, you told off your parents because they were talking shit about him – and you’re _not actually tapping that?”_

“Mari!” he hissed, face flushing darker.

“I cannot believe I have to go tell Yareli that she was actually right and you’re that big of an idiot.” Marisol slumped back in her seat. Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Does Abuela know? You know she’s going to have words about that.”

“I – I don’t know,” Eddie said. “I – you all assumed-!”

“Here we go!” the waitress interrupted, again, appearing with their plates. She set them down in front of them, asked if they needed anything else, before walking away.

Marisol pointed her fork at him. “I was going to pay for lunch, but now I feel like you should to make it up to me.”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Exactly!”

Eddie rolled his eyes, shaking his head and focusing on his plate. It was quiet for a minute, but then Marisol spoke up again, quieter.

“You do, though, right?” When he looked at her again, she said, “Want to date him?”

He swallowed and set his fork down carefully. His face felt warm, and his heart was racing a bit.

He’d barely been able to admit it to himself two weeks ago, and he’d only just told Karen about it a few nights ago. He hadn’t said it to anyone else. He hadn’t said anything about it to any _family_ – not really. He glanced briefly at Marisol, with her kind, open face, looking almost tentative to be asking, and pushed past the discomfort.

“I think so. Yeah.”

“Think so.” Marisol shook her head, smiling in an odd kind of way. “Eddie, I know you’re older than me, and therefore supposedly wiser, but listen – if you’re trying to tell yourself that you _aren’t_ head over heels for Buck, it’s going to be a losing battle. Because the minute I met him at Pepa’s party, I could see how much you two cared about each other. You two just – radiate this kind of, of peace and comfort around one another, and you both look so _soft_ when watching each other. It’s ridiculous how obvious you two are.”

“I… I didn’t even – I didn’t know I….”

Marisol’s eyes were – interested, a gentle kind of curiosity.

Eddie licked his lips and took a deep breath. “I kind of – repressed, I guess. That I could be into guys, sometimes. I don’t know. It’s… complicated.”

She nodded, setting her own fork down and putting her elbow on the table, resting her chin in her hand. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, feeling an odd kind of – relief, like a weight had been lifted just a bit. “It just – wasn’t an option before? Not really, so I didn’t…. I couldn’t be anything but into girls, so I just didn’t let myself… really feel anything else. Or I told myself I didn’t, that it was just – normal friend stuff. I didn’t even realize it with Buck, at first, until….” He huffed, shaking his head. “Until my coworkers kept telling me we were acting _very_ nonplatonic.”

“Oh? How so?” She smiled.

Eddie groaned, running a hand over his face. Looking back, it was… kind of embarrassing. “I kept kissing him on the cheek.”

Marisol’s smile grew wider, like she was thinking of laughing. “I mean, I guess some people do that with friends they’re close to.”

“That was my argument with them,” he said dryly. “But it, I don’t know, got me thinking. So I started talking about it with someone – a friend that knew Buck but wasn’t really close to him or anything.” He shrugged. “It’s – sometimes I convince myself I’m just making it up,” he admitted. “And sometimes I’m just… it’s a lot.”

“Sounds confusing.”

“It is.”

“But…” she prompted.

He rolled his eyes and offered a wry kind of smile. “But, I was pretty sure what was going on. I was going to tell him – and then Mom and Dad showed up.”

“Oh, buzzkill.”

He laughed. “Yeah.” Eddie took a few bites of his food, thinking. He hadn’t even told Karen yet, but – he wanted to tell someone. There were moments the memory of that kiss hit him, distracting and almost overwhelming, and he felt almost buzzing with the need to say it out loud, to someone else.

“He kissed me.”

Marisol’s fork clattered. She stared, eyes wide and a delighted grin on her face. “I knew it.”

“It only happened on Saturday,” he mumbled. “I –“ He paused, feeling a bit guilty. “I was telling him he didn’t – shouldn’t have to wait while I figured out… everything.” Himself, what he wanted, the mess with his parents. He waved his hand vaguely.

“And his response was to kiss you? I knew I liked him.” Marisol was clearly pretty pleased, almost smug. “So?”

“So what?” Eddie asked, even though he was pretty sure where this was going.

“So what happened next?”

“We continued working-“

“He kissed you at work?” Marisol sounded _delighted_. “Was it like, one of those earth shattering kisses? Was it against one of the trucks? Or –“

“I am _not_ talking about that with you,” Eddie said, feeling kind of horrified.

Marisol rolled her eyes. “Fine. You continued working after Buck rocked your world with a kiss….”

Eddie shook his head. “That was it. He – he said he’s willing to wait as long as I, uh, need.”

“That’s… painfully sweet.”

He shrugged, feeling a little flustered, weirdly. “That’s – that’s just Buck. He’s… he’s _good_. Too good for-“

“Nope,” Marisol interrupted, holding up a hand. “You should stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Putting him on a pedestal,” she said, oddly serious compared to before. “It’s definitely not good for either of you. At some point, he’ll do something to disappoint you; and for him, he’ll feel like you’re not really seeing who he is, or he’ll be uncomfortable with how you always make him out to be better and yourself as worse.” She narrowed her eyes and pointed a finger at him. “Which you also need to stop doing, Eddie. Stop putting yourself down all the time. Acting like you’re not good enough for Buck.”

“I’m not-“

“Stop.” She shook her head and pinned him with an almost fierce look. “Listen. Just – look. Do you trust Buck?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you trust his judgment?”

“Like on the job…?”

“Sure.”

“Yeah. He’s reckless sometimes, usually with himself, but he’s good at what he does. He sometimes sees things, solutions, outside of the usual.”

“Alright. Does he hang out with bad people?”

Eddie was pretty sure he knew where Marisol was going with this.

“No,” he said, a bit reluctant.

“Do you think he’d date you if he didn’t think you were good enough for him?”

“Buck’s not had the best track record of picking partners that _are_ good enough for him.” Eddie argued.

Marisol considered him, eyes narrowing. “Okay,” she said slowly. “So do you plan to treat him like they did?”

“No,” Eddie snapped, unable to help himself. He could still remember Buck’s reaction to seeing Abby again. “I get it, alright, I can’t be any worse than they were.”

“Eddie,” she said quietly. “Stop thinking of all the ways you’re not good enough for him, and try to, I don’t know, think of all the ways you’re _good_ for him? Just… if you keep going around claiming Buck’s too good for you, I’m _telling_ you, eventually? It’s going to cause problems. I don’t want to see you, or Buck, hurt because of it.”

He swallowed. Marisol sounded so sincere, and he could – see what she meant.

“I just – he’s done so much. For me, for Chris. And sometimes I feel like… like I don’t give back enough.” He thought of the previous night, of Buck having to all but _beg_ Eddie to try a little more. His stomach twisted uneasily. “I don’t know how to – to be what he deserves.”

“Stop thinking of it like that. If you feel you need to do more, give back more in the relationship, then do something about it.”

“I told you, I don’t know how.”

“Then think about it. Think about what you could do to show him how much he matters to you. It doesn’t have to be big or showy.” She shrugged, turning a little pink. “I mean, one of the sweetest things Vic ever did for me, when we first started dating, was bring me flowers when he knew I was having a shitty week. I’d failed a midterm, and gotten yelled at by a customer at work, and I was stressing out about an internship I was applying for. And I came home from work one day and my roommate told me someone had delivered flowers for me.”

She blinked a bit rapidly, like it still made her almost emotional. “It wasn’t a super fancy bouquet or anything, but still. He’d known I wasn’t feeling great, and he sent me something to let me know he was thinking of me. It was one of those moments that made me think about how he really was a – a keeper, I guess. Sometimes, small gestures can be so much more important than the big ones.”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I – I guess I’ll have to think about it.”

“Yep,” she said, almost cheerfully. “And if you need a sounding board, I am more than willing to play wingman.”

He snorted, shaking his head, but he couldn’t help smiling. “Thanks, but I’ll pass.”

“Rude.”

By the end of the week, Eddie stopped feeling random moments of disquiet in his own house. He kept the door to the guest room mostly shut, but the rest of the house stopped feeling like some kind of trap waiting to spring on him. Eddie was pretty sure one of the photo albums with pictures of Chris when he was smaller, while Eddie was in Afghanistan, was missing. Or maybe he’d just misplaced it. Still.

He tried not to let it bother him too much. If they had taken it, they were just pictures. It sucked to lose them, but it wasn’t all the ones Eddie had from when Chris was that age, and it wasn’t the worst that they could have done. It was petty of his parents to take them, just as it’d been petty of them to stay in his house for so long when he’d asked them to leave.

Eddie worked not to dwell on their behavior and actions from their stay. Frank had pointed out that it was energy wasted on things he couldn’t affect or influence. Eddie was not responsible for his parents’ choices, Frank had said, multiple times. Eddie tried to believe it.

Frank had also asked after Eddie’s “progress” with his “feelings for his friend”. Because of course he had.

Eddie had reluctantly talked about it, from their almost maybe a fight about whether he should have to wait for Eddie, to the kiss (carefully leaving out the fact that this had all happened at work), to Sunday night. Eddie even let Frank know he’d told a family member about it – which Frank had seemed very happy to hear and had called ‘a great stride forward’ for Eddie – and had brought up what Marisol had said.

Frank of course had backed her up on it. Eddie needed to stop putting himself down, and Eddie needed to be careful not to hold up his ‘friend’ as an ideal or image of perfection.

“People fail each other, at one point or another. No one always makes the best choices, or the selfless ones, or even good ones. If we expect that of them, we’re setting ourselves and them up for disappointment. Maybe this friend of yours has better skills with vocalizing his emotions, or he is better at expressing his wants. You simply need to find what way you are most comfortable with expressing yourself, too. It doesn’t have to be the same as how he does.”

Frank had asked to see Eddie the next week, too, just to help Eddie work through ‘this rough patch’ for a while. Eddie looked forward to just going back to the once a month or so meetings, instead of the weekly ones.

But, Eddie had been thinking since Thursday about it. How to give back to Buck in some way, let him know that Eddie was in this, did want it, even if he struggled with saying it at the best of times.

He thought maybe Marisol had been on the right track, with the whole story about the flowers. The idea of sending Buck flowers had been a tempting one, if only because Eddie was pretty sure Buck would be the type to get all flattered and blush, and Eddie kind of wanted to see that.

Yet, Eddie kept circling back to Sunday night. To Buck saying he was afraid to push too hard, worried about Eddie not feeling ready. To Buck almost pleading with Eddie to meet him halfway.

Eddie sucked with words. He had a hard time expressing what he was feeling – he didn’t like the way talking about it made him feel, open and weak. He’d tried, the other night, but really, Buck hadn’t even made him ask for him to stay… he’d responded to Eddie just grabbing onto him and tugging him closer.

He’d understood it, just fine.

So… maybe Eddie didn’t necessarily need to spill all his messy emotional guts out for Buck to see. Maybe… he could show it all another way.

A week later, Eddie owed a handful of favors, but it would be worth it if this worked like he hoped.

Abuela had made enchiladas. Marisol was watching Chris for the night. Eddie’d bustled around his house for an hour already, neatening the living room as if it needed it, checking that the kitchen was clean, the enchiladas warm, that he looked okay in the bathroom mirror.

His heart still leapt straight into his throat when he heard the door open, Buck letting himself in.

Buck always came over on Friday nights, for Movie Night. Eddie owed the biggest of favors to Chris, who had given him a stern look and told him to “tell Bucky I love him and miss him”. Eddie wasn’t sure if Chris was aware what Eddie was doing or not – he wasn’t sure how to start that conversation, and he wanted to maybe have it with Buck there. He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure who to talk to about it, either, except maybe Frank which… was not Eddie’s favorite thought.

He pushed it aside, again, and stepped out of the kitchen.

“Hey,” Buck grinned. “Smells good – who cooked?”

Eddie’s nose scrunched. He was going to learn how to do one impressive dish, just to rub it in Buck’s face one day. Just watch.

“Abuela.”

“Sweet.” Buck came over, glancing around with a little frown. “Where’s Chris?”

“Marisol’s.”

Buck blinked, shifting his weight back a bit and frowning. Not an upset one, just that adorably confused one he sometimes got when something faced with something unexpected.

Eddie licked his lips and took a deep breath. “I thought… maybe just us?”

The smile that spread, slow and delighted, across Buck’s face was worth it all. All the worry and nerves, the favors and embarrassment of asking and them all giving him those knowing looks, spending all the time over the past several months struggling and confused. It was more than worth it.

“Yeah?” Buck asked, quiet. Almost shy, Eddie thought, which just – was ridiculous.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. His voice was hushed, to match Buck’s. “That okay?”

“Mhm.” Buck nodded. He leaned in, just a bit. “Special occasion?”

Eddie swallowed. Buck was making it easy on him, really. Already trying to meet Eddie halfway on this, make it so it didn’t feel as terrifying to say, to ask.

“I though, maybe….” Buck was even closer. “If you want…?”

“You know I do,” Buck murmured, eyes warm. He dipped in but stopped just short of Eddie’s lips. “You sure though? There’s no need to hurry, Eddie. We don’t-“

“Shut up,” Eddie muttered, vaguely annoyed but mostly fond. He grabbed Buck by the back of the neck, bringing him the rest of the way in, kissing _him_ this time. Buck instantly reached out to grab Eddie’s hip, making a soft noise, almost a moan. Eddie focused on the kiss, because he wasn’t good with words but he was good with _this_.

He didn’t deepen it, much. It was more than the other kiss had been, though, and Eddie had the thought that he hoped this was okay, that he wasn’t pushing things past an acceptable boundary or something. He didn’t think he was. Not if the way Buck was making breathy little noises was a sign.

He nipped, lightly, at Buck’s bottom lip, gave a last little peck, almost, to his lips, and shifted back. Buck’s fingers flexed against his hip.

“Okay,” Buck murmured, voice low and raspy, a lot like before. “You’re sure.”

There was no stopping the grin that broke out, or the laugh bubbling up. “As sure as I think I’m going to be, for a while,” he admitted. “Might need to take things a bit slow, though.”

Buck’s head tilted, a bit. But he was still smiling. “That’s fine.” He moved the hand that had settled on Eddie’s shoulder up, cupping his face for a moment. “So. This _is_ a date?”

“Yeah. If that’s – okay?” Eddie frowned. Maybe it wasn’t much of a first date, or not –

Buck gave a breathy little chuckle. He leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. “Eddie.” He sounded amused.

Eddie hummed, pleased, when Buck shifted to press a quick little kiss to his lips again, just off center.

“Eddie, babe, it’s more than okay.” He shifted back, and Eddie could see the flush lingering on his cheeks, the wide but almost shy smile creasing his face. “This is – sweet. I. I uh, I’m not used to….”

To being the one being treated, Eddie thought. Buck was used to being the one doing the gestures, the romantic acts. To showing how he cared for someone and making them feel special and important and loved.

“Get used to it,” Eddie said, smile growing. “I may not be good with words, but I _do_ know how to do this.”

Buck rolled his eyes, only to glance down and smile wider when Eddie grabbed his hand and brought him more into the kitchen to sit at the table.

“We do have to talk,” Buck said after a moment. “Just – I know this isn’t exactly… easy for you,” he said carefully. “And I’m glad you feel like you can – I just….”

“We’ll talk,” Eddie agreed, even though the idea of it made his stomach twist unpleasantly. He knew Buck was right, and he knew it wasn’t going to be the most comfortable conversation for himself, but Eddie wanted to do this right. He didn’t want to risk things just to stay comfortable. If he had done that, he wouldn’t be sitting down for a date with Buck at that very moment, after all.

And Eddie didn’t think he’d trade this moment for much of anything.

“But let’s just… enjoy right now?”

“Hey, you had me at Abuela’s cooking,” Buck said, grinning cheekily. Eddie scoffed, swatting at his shoulder.

It was easy, Eddie realized as they ate and talked – about work, about Chris, about their friends. It was like so many other nights and moments together, and somehow more all at once. Buck’s knee nudged his under the table and they both paused to grin at each other. Eddie could look all he wanted, and refused to let himself feel like he was doing something wrong.

Buck grabbed his hand and played with his fingers when they settled on the couch to watch a movie. Eddie shifted a bit, and Buck leaned back against him, still keeping hold of Eddie’s hand, so it was wrapped around him from behind. It was new, but already… comfortable.

It was familiar – but exciting.

Eddie ducked his head, hiding his smile in Buck’s hair. Just for a moment, before Buck tilted his head back a bit to see Eddie and smiled brightly. Eddie smiled back, feeling his ears heat up when Buck kept eye contact as he lifted Eddie’s hand and pressed a kiss to his fingers.

“Would it be weird if you stayed?” Eddie asked, when the movie was clearly starting to wrap up. He couldn’t remember most of it; his attention had mostly been focused on Buck.

“Mmm.” Buck craned his head a bit. “I don’t know. Does it matter?”

Eddie shrugged. Untangled his tongue and managed to say, “I don’t want to mess things up. I want to – do this right.”

Buck’s smile grew, and even better, his cheeks went pink. “You’re not gonna mess it up, Eddie.” He sounded certain, not even reassuring just… so absolutely sure of it. “And I mean, if it works for us, doesn’t that make it right?” His eyes got a bit distant, thoughtful by the way his brows puckered a bit. “I tried to do things the ‘right’ way with Abby – took it slow, got to know her over the phone first, dated, waited to have sex. And that relationship clearly didn’t end well, exactly.” He grimaced, but offered a wry kind of smile when he looked back at Eddie again. “I think, if it works for us, that’s what matters. We get to decide what’s right.”

“Who am I to argue with that?” Eddie murmured. “Alright then. Stay? Just to sleep,” he clarified. “But… I like it. When you stay, with me.”

Buck shifted up, out of Eddie’s arms, only to turn and grabbed Eddie’s face in his hands, pressing soft, brief kisses to his mouth for a few moments. “Who am I to argue with that?” he repeated, gentle teasing.

He was such a dork.

Eddie was clearly already a goner, since it just made him want to grin like an idiot.

“We can talk tomorrow, after breakfast.”

“Ah,” Buck teased as they got up. “The real reason you want me to stay – breakfast.”

“You caught me,” Eddie drawled. “The reason I’m dating you is for your cooking.”

“I mean, someone in this house needs to know how to cook.”

“Asshole,” Eddie laughed, shutting his door out of habit more than anything. He grabbed Buck by the front of his shirt, stopping him from continuing towards the bed, stepping in close. Buck was almost smirking, clearly pleased with himself and everything about this.

To be fair… Eddie was, too.

Eddie kissed him again, relishing the rush of _good_ and _finally_ and _happy_ that it made surge up, drowning out the still lingering sensations of guilt and wrong. There wasn’t anything wrong with this. There wasn’t anything to be guilty about.

Buck chased after him for another kiss when Eddie pulled back. Eddie let him, slipping the hand on Buck’s neck up into his hair, scratching.

Feeling Buck almost shiver with it.

“Just to sleep,” Buck reminded him, pulling back with what sounded like almost a gasp.

“Mhm,” Eddie agreed. He tightened his grip on Buck’s hair, watching the way Buck’s eyes practically darkened with it. “In a minute.”

Now that he’d let himself have this, Eddie wasn’t sure how, exactly, anyone – including himself – expected him to stop.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's not as LONG as the previous two, but hey, I think I made up for that, yeah? :)


End file.
